Still working on a way to really express what I realized while chanting with my head under the covers and half asleep. Here is what I have so far:
The storm was for me.
A tree fell over in our yard. Not my favorite. Just a tree. Thud!
It didn't hit anything important, just the grass. The roots came out of the ground. The trunk split. It lay blocking our sidewalk. Not 10 feet from the front door.
I felt grateful. And anxious. There are lots more trees, taller trees, around our house. After standing with the tree a bit I came back inside, and told lots of people about it, and did the things that needed to be done to deal with the storm and the power outage. Short night. Got up early and drove to the buddhist center to check it out and open the building for early chanting. Bought donuts. Went home and cooked breakfast and puttered and went to bed again.
Just didn't feel right. Felt gone. Untethered. Not present.
Then I realized. That's what I do when I am afraid. I go inside myself. I stop feeling. I keep doing what must be done but my heart is closed.
So I chose to feel my fear. It was big. And it wasn't just this storm. It was a storm I had forgotten. The first typhoon when I was 6 and just arrived in a whole new country. . And the next one when the chimney fell in. And more storms. We lived in a whole new place where everything was different. And there were big storms. And I was small.
And when I let myself feel that fear, I was bigger than the fear. My heart opened. I came back from wherever it is I go. I cried a little. And I let go of something I have been carrying for a very long time.
I think I will face the next storm differently. And the next time I am afraid maybe I won't disappear but will remember that I can stand strong right where I am.
So thank you, hurricane Irene.
sarah
