Let go

I went to sleep feeling heavy and so earth bound. And responsible. It is partly good. But I miss being light and sparkly and like a butterfly. I went through a time past of feeling special and being so aware of my own energy and that of others. Now I am holding all the parts of my life so tightly, I just realized. Like in kindergarten when my classmates killed our hamsters by holding onto them too tightly.
I woke with two words in my mind: let go. When I trust, and release my death grip on all the pieces of my life, they don't all disappear. I am not in a circle where the forces fling everything away from me. The forces hold all that is best for me in tight.
Let go. Trust.

PS - for me, this works. Letting go allows me to enjoy all my life is full of. My afternoon after the "let go" nap was light and loving.
sarah

My awakening

It began years ago with my understanding that the kingdom of heaven is at hand. God is now here , in us and among us. God IS us.
Buddhism expresses it like this: this place where we dwell now is the pure land of eagle peak. Realizing buddhahood in our present form, in this lifetime, in our saha world.

Joseph campbell said: "This is it. This is it. This is it."

Some years back I named myself ranee light kali. Queen of light and dark. Joining of enlightenment and ignorance. Sun and shadow.
Sarah is the princess. Now I awaken into my maturity.

all is one and not one. No duality.
I used to chant a mantra: All is god. God is all. I and god are one.

Ni ni fu ni. Two and not two. Without distinction.

Being awake is simple and hard.

At once.

This is my truth.

sarah

Been thinking......

About my buddhist practice.

Remembered when my career test said (in high school) that I had the most affinity for being a nun/teacher. And I laughed out loud with the craziness of that notion.
And here I am, happy as can be, with my life focused on my buddhist practice.
And remembering that the only times before this that I have been happy in a spiritual practice is when it filled my life.
I think of hildegarde von bingen, writing that beautiful music while she swooned with love of god.
And most recently, from the lotus sutra, each time the boddhisattvas and buddhas understand something new from the buddha, they say "now we have something we never had before". And their hearts dance with joy.

I dance with joy each time I remember or truly see a glimpse of truth.

Yakushin -- "To move forwards with our bodies and minds dancing with joy--this is the spirit of dynamic development or progress."

sarah

Change

Why Is it so difficult to let go of old patterns - even though they are almost literally killing you?

A friend asked me that yesterday. I sent her my thots - lengthy as always.

I would love to hear yours!

Well the answer I usually go with, tho it doesn't always satisfy me, is that we spent years developing the neural pathways that are those patterns - so we should expect it might take as long to create new ones. Like how long it takes a river to create a new river bed or something.
Or we could go with karmic tendencies which we must overcome. That once was thot to take innumerable kalpas. Our buddhism teaches simultaneous cause and effect, so we have a better shot at change I guess.

And the other thing is that all of time is now - and from a different viewpoint what seems to be taking eons to change is a blink of an eye.

What do YOU find to be a satisfying answer?

sarah

The goodbye in the hello

Written 9/19/11

Today again I felt the pain of losing my dream of a "perfect" family. Felt appreciation for that same family for their responses as I took steps towards change. I have always said I would choose the pill that let me see, that I would choose to vibrate to the next level even though it meant a leavetaking. To wake up I had to take action that felt like amputating a part of myself. I stepped towards life. I will keep on that path even in the midst of pain. I felt my heart/mind transform today, again. I miss what was before. And I know the goodbye was necessary. For me and for the others as well. And I have to keep on, to work hard and with determination and dedication, so the sacrifice won't be in vain.
Part of each joy is the sorrow of what was given up or set aside to develop the space to receive the gift, the vision to see what is, and the compassionate wisdom to share the awakening.
Namaste.
sarah

Awakening

Just when I was thinking that if being enlightened means working to spread the Law, rather than meaning one sits peacefully in meditation for time without end, maybe I would say no thank you, I read chapter 28 of the lotus sutra. Wow. I laughed out loud with joy. I am protected by amazing beings riding big tusked elephants and giving me magic spells. It's way cool.
So I got up from my chanting chair and went on with my day.
I waited on hold for 20 minutes because my blackberry isn't working right. I ordered chai and got told the machine is broken. I asked for a walnut tea cookie - sold out of course. Its raining and I don't have my umbrella. And I could go on.
And guess what? I'm still smiling. Today, even if I step in a big pile of dung from my protector elephant king, I'll just take off my dirty shoes and keep on dancing.
Maybe this is what being "awake" feels like.

sarah

Irene!

Still working on a way to really express what I realized while chanting with my head under the covers and half asleep. Here is what I have so far:

The storm was for me.
A tree fell over in our yard. Not my favorite. Just a tree. Thud!
It didn't hit anything important, just the grass. The roots came out of the ground. The trunk split. It lay blocking our sidewalk. Not 10 feet from the front door.
I felt grateful. And anxious. There are lots more trees, taller trees, around our house. After standing with the tree a bit I came back inside, and told lots of people about it, and did the things that needed to be done to deal with the storm and the power outage. Short night. Got up early and drove to the buddhist center to check it out and open the building for early chanting. Bought donuts. Went home and cooked breakfast and puttered and went to bed again.
Just didn't feel right. Felt gone. Untethered. Not present.
Then I realized. That's what I do when I am afraid. I go inside myself. I stop feeling. I keep doing what must be done but my heart is closed.
So I chose to feel my fear. It was big. And it wasn't just this storm. It was a storm I had forgotten. The first typhoon when I was 6 and just arrived in a whole new country. . And the next one when the chimney fell in. And more storms. We lived in a whole new place where everything was different. And there were big storms. And I was small.
And when I let myself feel that fear, I was bigger than the fear. My heart opened. I came back from wherever it is I go. I cried a little. And I let go of something I have been carrying for a very long time.
I think I will face the next storm differently. And the next time I am afraid maybe I won't disappear but will remember that I can stand strong right where I am.
So thank you, hurricane Irene.

sarah

Weird

....sometimes I just have to remember to be happy. I'm sitting here, getting all intense, looking at my schedule, getting ready for work, doing my morning chanting..........
And all of a sudden it's like, "oh yeah. I'm happy!". And I smile and laugh out loud.
Wonder when I built the habit of solemnity or even mild melancholy. I prefer the habit of joy. Gonna keep teaching myself that one!

sarah

"Automatic" Responses

was writing a check the other day and suddenly watched my hand writing and thought how well trained I am - thought of a word becomes the word on paper with very little conscious awareness of how my hand forms the letters. Unless I want to write upside down or in another language or something.
Our responses to life are usually like that I think. Formed out of habit, according to our training. When we are learning to change those automatic responses, it requires a great deal of effort. Until we learn the new pattern. Then we are able to spontaneously respond with appreciation and joy where before we might have gone straight to fear and sadness. Or whatever.

sarah

Just say Yes!

Once when my kids were little I read some parenting advice that I should say "yes" to them whenever I could. Find a way to say yes. I took it to heart. My natural response was to say no. I can always see the reasons why a thing won't work or another time would be better. But I found that sometimes if I took a breath to pause before answering, I could indeed say yes. At least yes to some part of what they were requesting.

As an older woman I again had to learn to say yes. Yes to myself. Yes to others. Yes to life. To open rather than to close. Even when there is a potential for danger or hurt. Because those same situations hold the potential for wonder and love.

I still have a tendency to say no. Not now. Maybe later. And now I sometimes follow my newer habit. Breathe. Take a moment. See if there is a yes I can say right now.

sarah

Thank you Sunshine

Some days when I wake up I find the sun shining brightly, not a cloud in the sky.
Some mornings I have to wait for the breeze to blow the wispy clouds out of the way and then the rays of the sun are on my face.
Sometime I have to get on up to get out from under the shade tree and feel the warmth of the sun.
Sometimes I discover that there is a really heavy rock pushing me down and I have to reach up with my strong arms and push it off my head.
Sometimes I even have to call for help to find my way out of the cave.
No matter what, the sun is always there, doing its thing.

Sure am glad for that.

sarah

bringing back the grail

I was reminded yesterday of something I read years ago in a collection of joseph campbell's writings.
It is after we find the treasure that the real journey begins. We must bring back the grail and find the ways to integrate it into daily life.
Awakening to the fact of my enlightenment is only the beginning of the bodhisattva path. I must return from the mountaintop and live in my world, with my people, sharing my treasure in the way that will enable them to realize their own awakening.
I don't want to just bliss out and hoard the treasure for myself.

sarah

Happiness

It's ok to be ok.
Really.
I don't have to apologize if I should develop the ability to be awake to my inner happiness come what may. I don't owe it to sad friends to be sad too. To compete as to who has the biggest obstacles.
I can smile through any and every storm. Even if it makes me appear to be a lunatic.
Really.
It's even ok when I'm not in a storm. When I am so in sync I am dancing with the stars. However long that lasts--moments or a lifetime.

Ok, sometimes I can't or don't or aren't. But when I can or do or am I will.
Really.

sarah

"She wants to be like water"

May I receive all that today has for me, with open hands, as a blessing.

With strength and compassion may I ripple and flow within and among thirsty lands and hearts.

sarah

Third Way - revisited

I was talking with a friend about this the other day, and realized something about myself.

I can be pretty good about brainstorming lots of possibilities for getting from point A to point B. For me, the issue is that I often fail to consider that there may be an option that is neither staying at point A or going to point B. My "third way" conversation with myself needs to be "Is there a point C that is my true goal?"

I'm saving for another day the conversation about how to avoid the paralysis caused by imagining too many possibilities. For now I'm trying to remove the blinders that keep me stuck on the well worn path.

sarah

Yakushin

"To move forward with our bodies and minds dancing with joy". This is is the spirit of the japanese word "yakushin".
The chinese character has 2 parts. One part is the leg or foot. The foundation. Our connection to our family, community, our "people".
The other part is wings preparing to fly. Soaring as we live into our mission.

The stillness and the dance. Joyfully.
sarah

Touch

What we learned first at massage school, and what we kept on being given opportunities to learn, was how to touch. Fully present in the moment, without judgment, a contact that is complete. Just the touch. Later we learned to maintain that contact as it developed into movement. But so much of the work is about the quality of the touch.
This is true in life as well. We have opportunities to touch in a meaningful way so many times every day. Sometimes it is a hand on the shoulder, sometimes a smile, sometimes a word or two. Fully present, in the moment, without judgment.
Touching and being touched.
Thank you to all my teachers.

sarah

new horizons

There is a certain feeling I get sometimes.
Prompted by some small something. I breathe deep and feel "ah, that's how I felt in south africa".
The other day I decided maybe that feeling is deep unfettered irresponsible happiness.
Being somewhere totally unrelated to my life up to that moment, and thus opening space to see myself in a different way.
Life altering.
Who knows what joy may come out of that unexpected break with routine!
Not that before was not good, just an unexpected turn that allows one to see new possibilities when the corner is turned.
Or not.

sarah

A crucial distinction

I am not struggling to "attain" something. I am waking to "realize" I already have it.

sarah