Otter

I woke today and felt so heavy. Solid. Responsible.

When I feel that way I get nostalgic for a period in my life when I felt like a butterfly. Carefree. Sparkly. Nothing weighing me down.

Today I remembered about balance. I needed a new image. Something between stodgy and weightless. Hmmm. I couldn't think of something playful that still gets the job done.

I thought suddenly of an otter. Twisting and sparkling and dancing in the water. But are otters responsible?

I asked my mom. That may be a clue here -- when feeling confused, consider asking your mom. (That's probably an essay for another day). Anyway she shot back the reply.

YES! Otters are very responsible. They swim while carrying their babies on their chest.

Perfect. Today I will be an otter.

Thanks, mom.

9.12.13

I cannot be the dish I was part of before it broke.
Yes. It broke. I did not break it alone.
I can use the pieces of the beautiful ceramic to be a part of a new mosaic. A mosaic, an artwork that could not have existed without the original dish.
So instead of feeling only the pain, I can remember the appreciation, the joy. The gratitude for what was and what is.

It is not pain which is buried deep in me. It is anger. I am angry still. That I had to take the action. That I had to be the one to bear the "blame".
Maybe I can learn to be happy and grateful that I was and am strong enough to have taken the action that set us all free for new growth and travels. I was the catalyst -- not the instrument of destruction. Hmmmm.

Yes!

Last week I forgot.

That life is sweet when I say yes to each moment. Yes, yes, emphatically yes!
When I resist, when I shout NO NO NO, then I am lost.

My current practice, the buddhism of the lotus sutra, as practiced with the Soka Gakkai, talks a lot about struggle. About overcoming obstacles. Sometimes I get confused. I think that it means saying NO to what is. Not at all!

It is saying YES! Yes I will take this on. I will climb this mountain that is before me. I accept this challenge. I use these very tools to create value. The joy of life is in the accepting of the drama I am creating. In using each circumstance, each moment, each of my tendencies, to express the Mystic Law, to lift up myself and others from despair, to shine like the sun of beginningless time and to see the light shining from each life, each entity, each phenomena.

Yes! Yes!

I'm bigger than that!

Once again I feel too small for my life.

I have an internal conflict: I need to fall apart and cry so that someone will hold me and love me. And I need to hold everything together with great strength and wisdom so that someone will respect and love me.

Crazy, isn't it?

Chanting now, I look at my gohonzon, the reflection of my life. I see the wave that is my smaller self. And I see the ocean that is the whole of life. That is me too.

Whatever my challenges are, however big my fear feels, I am bigger than that.

I chose this life, with these limitations and these expansive skills, in order to live out my eternal vow: to be awake and to compassionately awaken others.

An awakened life is sorrowful as we feel our pain and that of others. It is at the same time joyful, as we know the full potential of life.

I am big enough. This individual expression of life that is "me" is also still the whole.

Sometimes I just have to smack myself up side the head so I can wake up and remember.

Good morning sarah. Good morning SARAH.

Daisaku Ikeda says it like this:

"The Daishonin observes: 'Ultimately, all phenomena are contained within one's life, down to the last particle of dust. The nine mountains and the eight seas are encompassed in one's body, and the sun, moon, and myriad stars are found in one's life' (WND-1, 629).

"Our life at each moment encompasses all phenomena and is endowed with potential as vast as the universe. When we awaken to this fact, our life starts to open up to others, to society, and to the universe as a whole. Our efforts for kosen-rufu based on the great principle of the Mystic Law cause our body and mind to brim with the power of the universe. Our heart pulses with a timeless beat--the irrepressible desire to help our fellow human beings who are suffering and give them hope and courage.

"A Buddha is one who brings forth compassion, wisdom, and courage as boundless as the universe.

"No matter what challenges we may face, let us look up at the vast heavens above, take a deep breath, and continue to advance victoriously along the proud path of our respective missions."

SGI Newsletter No. 8130, OUR BRILLIANT PATH TO VICTORY, Gazing Up at the Eternal Sky--Part 2 [of 2], from the Aug. 22nd, 2010, issue of the Seikyo Shimbun, translated Dec. 16th, 2010

Rumi

Usually I only share my own writings, but today this is what I want to share:

Dance, when you're broken open.
Dance, if you've torn the bandage off.
Dance in the middle of the fighting.
Dance in your blood.
Dance, when you're perfectly free.
 
Struck, the dancers hear a tambourine inside them,
as a wave turns to foam on its very top, begin.
 
Maybe you don't hear that tambourine,
or the tree leaves clapping time.
 
Close the ears on your head
that listen mostly to lies and cynical jokes.
 
There are other things to hear and see:
dance-music and a brilliant city
inside the Soul.
Stretch your arms and take hold of the cloth of your clothes
with both hands. The cure for pain is in the pain.
Good and bad are mixed. If you don't have both,
you don't belong with us.
 
Rumi
 

Hallelujah!

I have been holding myself too tightly again of late.
Straining as I try to hold up the sky all by myself.
Unable to let go into incredible lightness of being.

Then yesterday, some of the other "pillars" that hold up the sky sent me little notes. Reminders that I am not alone. The responsibilities are all shared. Which, for me, is where the joy is.

When we each have our arms raised, holding up the sky, we can take turns resting when needed. We can smile as we look around the circle at all those whose commitment is also strong. We can take time for a little happy dance without fear.

And the sky will stay in place, and the earth beneath our feet.

How wondrous. How wondrous.

Really?

Today I left the house just sort of slightly pissed off and frustrated.
In the midst of running my errands it seemed annoying to go around the block so I decided to cut through an alley I hadn't been in before. Whoa. It was narrow, full of twists and turns and at one point had a basketball hoop set up blocking the way, and beyond that, an impossible 90 degree turn.
So I had to try to back out, when I had barely been able to negotiate my way in. I made it most of the way back with only a bit of a scrape on my front bumper but couldn't make the last turn.
Had to ask for help. My work crew was fortunately still around and 2 of them got the car back out to the street without further incident.

Did my lack of attention cause the problem? Did my frustration lead to bad choices? Did my inner environment manifest as that outer environment?

Not completely sure of the answer, but maybe next time I will take 5 minutes to settle myself and clear my head before I set out. It's more fun to be in sync with the world than to blunder through unable to see what is around the bend.

And really, DC, could you put up a sign that says "narrow alley". Or "impassable alley". Really!

the jewel (in the lotus)

The gift, the jewel, is to know we are ok in every circumstance. To feel that joy. That is what we are here to develop and share with the world. That is buddhahood. So we are grateful for each opportunity to learn and to become aware and to build faith and strength. That is when our obstacles are seen as part of the gift. We don't develop muscle without some mountains to climb. Sometimes our muscles are developed in the dance, sometimes in the climb. As we awaken we are able to suffer or to enjoy from the same deep place of universal consciousness and presence in this moment, the eternal now.

No wonder we imagine buddhas to be superhuman or gods. "Ordinary people" are indeed wondrous beyond our imagining.